Beyond The Closet

A person is hiding, or in denial about, a key part of herself. Person accepts true self. Person shares identity with the world. Person lives happily ever after.

This is the “coming out” story and we all know how it goes. The closet is a state of shame, while coming out of the closet is a state of pride. Coming out is synonymous with living a healthy and authentic life.

For trans people, coming out is more complicated. It has two very different meanings for us, particularly transsexual folks.

We first come out when we share our true genders with the world. Because our genders contradict our assigned sex, we are by definition trans when we say “I am a man” or “I am a woman.” This is the coming out that declares our transition. It’s pretty close to the coming out narrative.

Later, after transition, “coming out” can mean something different entirely: sharing not your gender identity, but your transgender history. “Coming out” means revealing a part of yourself that was hidden. Before transition, the trans aspect of my identity was apparent–I was visibly gender variant–but the man part wasn’t. Today, the reverse is true: people can tell I’m a guy, but they can’t see my gender variant history. So I come out when I tell people I’m trans. This second coming out is a reversal that completely rewrites my relationship to disclosure.

Far from being a radical act of authenticity, coming out after transition can actually limit one’s ability to be seen. People may think of me very differently when they learn I am trans. They may lose the ability to see me as a regular person. They may no longer see my gender as legitimate. They may start to think of me as a something other than a “real” or “normal” man. Something about me is suddenly queer (pun intended). They may begin scrutinizing my face, body, speech and manner, searching for signs that I am “really” female. I may be conscripted as someone’s own personal Trans 101 instructor, facing an onslaught of nerve-wracking queries about my identity, all other trans people’s identities, my medical history, my genitals, my reproductive capacity, my sexual practices, and so on. And that’s only on the benign end of the spectrum.

I am forced to choose between two imperfect impressions. If I don’t disclose my trans status, others are willing to see me as their version of a man. They misunderstand my life experience, because that image does not include being trans. If I do disclose, they are willing to see me instead as their version of trans. Again, they misunderstand me, because this image does not include being an ordinary man.

None of my options is ideal, and not through any fault of my own. Others are simply unwilling to see my whole self: really a man, really transsexual. So I make choices. I reveal some aspects, hide others. These choices shift from one situation to another.

Is it a stance of pride to expose myself to the prying questions of every ignorant person I meet? No. Is it a stance of shame to make careful choices about my privacy, discussing personal topics only with those I trust? Hell no.

Coming out was a first step toward a whole, authentic life. I no longer live in a closet. But when I come out a second time, I risk stepping into another closet, this one fashioned from others’ ignorance. The painful thing is that this carries a palpable step backward in terms of being seen for my true self. People who understood my gender reasonably well suddenly fall apart in dizzy confusion.

First, coming out was my ticket to living as a man. Turns out the ticket is roundtrip–punch it again and you’re back where you started. Back to the netherworld between sexes. Back to the badlands where few dare tread.

Flanked by closets, I make my life right here. Out of the closet, into the corridor. It’s not exactly roomy, but at least I have somewhere to go.

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3 comments

  1. Lesboi

    This is an excellent and thought provoking post. Having not transitioned myself or come out as trans yet I have a great deal of anxiety around the prospect of doing so. This post speaks to so many things I’m ruminating over lately. Coming out, transitioning, living authentically, being “seen” as who I really am, how society will view me before and after are all topics I wrestle with daily. I find it ironic in a way that it takes us years to come to terms with ourselves enough to come out in public and then once we have transitioned to the point of feeling whole in our bodies we blend in so well that, if we choose to be habitually honest, we are forced to come out over and over again. And, then, we are viewed as “less than” after people realize we’re not cisgender. I can only imagine it’s frustrating and exhausting after a while. I’m sure this is part of why so many just blend into society and live stealth.

    • rimonim

      Yes, is it frustrating and exhausting, and scary. Sometimes I kinda feel like I’m in witness protection (might write a post on that). I hate that people tend to “third gender” me (to borrow Julia Serano’s phrase) when they find out I’m trans… and I also hate all the sexist & cissexist baggage people project onto me when they don’t know! It’s a double-bind. I hope you find a path that is a good fit for you!

  2. Lesboi

    I can totally see how you might feel like you’re in a witness protection program. I think many trans folks who live stealth might feel that way. I look forward to reading your perspectives on it. And thanks, I’m steadily working on finding my right path. Clearing the debris in the way is quite a challenge.

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